JFK was a Jew.

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

Sketch #15: JFK was a Jew.

Wes Freeland: I think I may have found the weirdest, most ambigious rule in speech and debate: All outside sources must be cited within the speech. This refers to direct quotations, theories, concepts and general ideas.

Wes Freeland: So…like….everything? Because I’m pretty sure NOBODY in this league is going to be the first person to trumpet their idea…

Jon Freeland: So, apparently, not ALL outside sources. ONLY direct quotations, theories, concepts, and general ideas. Indirect quotations, laws, models, and specific ideas are all valid black market currency.

Wes Freeland: Aha! Loop-hole!

Wes Freeland: Take that, snobs! Your bloody rules can’t touch us when the Freeland Family interprets them!

Jon Freeland: Hell yeah!

Jon Freeland: Now, all we need are specific examples of such calamities.

Wes Freeland: Godwin’s law, and the specific idea that Hitler was a d-bag? Do those work? Can I make a speech about that?

Jon Freeland: I challenge you to tie that in with your JFK case.

Wes Freeland: “Hitler Killed JFK: Discuss.”

Jon Freeland: Then, you’re saying that Johnson was Hitler.

Wes Freeland: Wait…I have a quote from Jack Ruby saying that Lyndon B. Johnson was a Nazi of the worst order! Hitler was the worst Nazi…LYNDON B. JOHNSON IS HITLER! OMG!

Jon Freeland: HAHAHAHA, YES!

Jon Freeland: DO

Jon Freeland: IT

Jon Freeland: !

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Brotherly Beef

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

Sketch #14: Brotherly Beef.

Wes Freeland: A prescription for what?

Jon Freeland: …irradiated Sacred beef. You may have already consumed too much, if you couldn’t read that in the last sentence. Seek medical aid.

Wes Freeland: To cure irradiated sacred beef….you eat more irradiated sacred beef? Who came up with this plan, Tom Cruise?

Jon Freeland: No, dude. Go back and read it…it’s offered on a prescription basis in order to procure desirable effects, such as extra limbs, while limiting intake to avoid uncomfortable side-effects, such as death.

Jon Freeland: I think the tournament fried your brain.

Wes Freeland: You said a prescription. A prescription implies solving a pre-existing condition, not exacerbating it.

Jon Freeland: No, a prescription implies a limiting factor to intake. They don’t give you a prescription for Vicodin because you have pain. They give you a prescription for Vicodin so that you don’t end up getting your hands on more than is medically safe for you to have and turning yourself into a vegetable.

Wes Freeland: They perscribe the Vicodin in the first place because you have pain. If you didn’t have pain, you wouldn’t need the meds in the first place.

Jon Freeland: They make you pay for Vicodin because you have pain and they have Vicodin. They PRESRCRIBE Vicodin because otherwise you’d be buying Vicodin in 10-gallon drums.

Jon Freeland: pre·scribe   [pri-skrahyb] Show IPA verb,-scribed, -scrib·ing.

–verb (used with object)

2.

Medicine/Medical. to designate or order the use of (a medicine, remedy, treatment, etc.).

Wes Freeland: REMEDY! TREATMENT! BAMF!

Wes Freeland: I win. That proves it. It doesn’t say “To prevent overdose.” it says “A medicine, remedy, or treatment.”!

Wes Freeland: 1 : a medicine, application, or treatment that relieves or cures a disease

2 : something that corrects or counteracts

3 : the legal means to recover a right or to prevent or obtain redress for a wrong

Jon Freeland: or·der   [awr-der] Show IPA

to regulate, conduct, or manage: to order one’s life for greater leisure.

Wes Freeland: Main Entry: treat·ment

Pronunciation: \ˈtrēt-mənt\

Function: noun

Date: circa 1560

1 a : the act or manner or an instance of treating someone or something : handling, usage <the star requires careful treatment> b : the techniques or actions customarily applied in a specified situation

2 a : a substance or technique used in treating b : an experimental condition

Jon Freeland: Ok, so now I can confidently say that I have an irradiated Sacred beef with you. -.-

Wes Freeland: As long as I’m not the one with three arms and tentacles growing out of my nose, I’m fine with that.

The New Delhi Meat

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

Sketch #13: The New Delhi Meat.

Jon Freeland: So, what then is the real difference between Objectivism and Atheism?

Wes Freeland: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectivism_(Ayn_Rand)

Wes Freeland: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atheism

Wes Freeland: Compare. There will be a quiz on Friday. This accounts for 30% of your grade.

Jon Freeland: I don’t study what you can’t teach.

Jon Freeland: 😛

Wes Freeland: Well then, I guess this class is about comics, India, and environmental policy from now on.

Jon Freeland: Rgr that. So when do we drop an atomic leaflet bomb in New Delhi?

Wes Freeland: Shortly after we steal their precious supply of cows. Sacred meat always tastes better.

Jon Freeland: You’re forgetting the last part. You’ve had burgers, steaks, and roasts…but Sacred meat always tastes better IRRADIATED.

Wes Freeland: But….I don’t like radiation poisoning…growing a third arm from my belly button seems like it could be bad.

Jon Freeland: It would…until you can hold THREE irradiated all-sacred beef patties AT THE SAME TIME.

Wes Freeland: But from my belly button, I can’t reach my face. It seems like it would become needlessly complicated quickly.

Jon Freeland: That simply depends on the length of said appendage – a function of the level of radiation poisoning you have received, really. Thus, I have proven that it’s actually better to eat MORE irradiated Sacred beef.

Wes Freeland: This sounds like it’s going to end in me dead…

Jon Freeland: No – we’ll offer irradiated Sacred beef on a prescription basis to limit harmful side effects, such as death.

or is it the "other" Delhi meat?

or is it the "other" Delhi meat?

Pajama Jeans III: …PJ: TLT: Miami.

I’m sorta worn out, at the moment – keeping up with all my writing, this play, work, and video games (which, I think we can all agree, is the real priority, here) is giving me the business.  So, before I crash tonight, I need to get something else to you guys to keep my continuity.

Thus, I give you the conclusion for the Pajama Jeans series.  We had more, but it’s just downright silly.  So here is the serious stuff.   >.>

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

Sketch #12: Pajama Jeans III: …PJ: TLT: Miami.

Jon Freeland: No, wait…I’m gonna fight the MAN, like Anna Beth, because she kicks serious ass in the very first fight, then proceeds to be technically useless throughout the rest of the movie.

Wes Freeland: Ah, yeah, Clarisse was great. Wait a second, Clarisse wasn’t in this movie? They folded all her important scenes into Anna Beth? But that would create a character discrepency that would be totally see through!

Wes Freeland: Wait a second, how many characters did they cut from this movie and assign as side bits to main characters like some ill-concieved jigsaw puzzle?

Jon Freeland: Well, they’ve got Flabby Arms McHorse’s Ass, the camp comedian. And Hades was the god of war, right? And let’s not forget the shield made of METAL which somehow plays host to what is supposedly the purest source of electricity in the known universe.

Wes Freeland: And the fact that it’s sheer magical nature didn’t tip off every mythical being within 200 light years. Don’t forget that.

Jon Freeland: And Persephone called. She wants to DO you.

Wes Freeland: It totally makes logistical sense that the greatest weapon ever created doesn’t send them calling, despite the fact that a demi-god using a phone puts out the smell of hot steaks to every carnivore within 500 miles…

Jon Freeland: Maybe Luke had terrible body odor. Yeah…that should do the trick. Because everyone knows that Greek gods follow their nose. Maybe they should take up THEIR daddy issues with Toucan Sam.

Jon Freeland: Wait…I may be insulting the book now. Sorry >.>

Wes Freeland: Man, that would explain the noses on some of those jokers, and the fact that it never occurs to them to keep this crap in a place where some half-blood punk can waltz in and take it without even alerting any sort of guard.

Jon Freeland: That’s simple. Luke knew they were koo koo for Cocoa Puffs, so they were easily distracted while he stole their Lucky Charms.

Jon Freeland: …if he’d applied himself, he could have been a cereal killer.

Jon Freeland: <.<

Wes Freeland: Well he is….The Lightning Thief. *queue CSI Miami intro*

Jon Freeland: LOL, PJ: TLT, starring Horatio Caine. THAT’S a movie I would go see and thoroughly enjoy.

Wes Freeland: He could have pulled off Hades. For that matter, he could have made a killer Medusa, if you think about it…

Jon Freeland: As opposed to the non-lethal Medusa they ended up with.

Wes Freeland: Of course. He could have totally dropped the line “Typical highschoolers, always getting *insert glasses here* stoned. YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

Jon Freeland: They could have even kept the intro song! “SO WE DON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN!” /airguitar

Wesley Freeland: They totally should have hired us to write this script. I mean, if you’re not going to follow the story of which it’s “based off,” you might as well go all the way with it, right?

The sunglasses are a fig newton of your imagination.

The sunglasses are a fig newton of your imagination.

Pajama Jeans II: PSA…ngst.

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

Sketch #11: Pajama Jeans II: PSA…ngst.

Wes Freeland: Wait a minute, there’s another discrepency. Why are they giving this film to a hack like Columbus? He hasn’t had a hit since ’92!

Wes Freeland: And was I the only one that caught the disturbing pronounciation of Percy’s name by his dear old daddy?

Jon Freeland: Shhhh, that wasn’t his dad. You were spending the day in the mind of a teenage boy. I know you’re not used to it, but it’s actually kind of soothing, after a while.

Wes Freeland: Ah, that explains the drunken slur and the completely vague ineptitude of his advice! I thought for awhile they were just trying to drive home the “daddy issues” hook a little too hard by making his father a completely limp, useless, snarling figurehead for a once great empire.

Jon Freeland: Well…the bald dad did say he was still the king of the castle at the end, right before he opened the fridge, looked at Uma Thurman’s head, and had the same reaction that the rest of the sane populous has to her. Honestly, the snakes really don’t do much to make her prettier. I suppose they do a little to drown out her voice, but still…I mean, I’m looking at a picture of her in Kill Bill as opposed to…oh crap…Wesley…..I’m turning to….

Wes Freeland: FIGHT IT JON! USE THE ODDLY PRODUCT-PLACED IPOD!

Jon Freeland: Y…es…yes…YES! QUICK, SOMEONE DIRECT ME TO THE NEAREST MASERATI!

Wes Freeland: It’s inside that giant hotel with a convenient lack of security for a high-profile magical operation! Quickly, before they counter-attack with Lady GaGa songs!

Jon Freeland: Hmm, yes…let’s see. We have a Lamborghini, a Porsche, a Ferrari, a old rusty truck with the word “FORD” stamped across the back of it in font 5000…wait just a MINUTE! How the hell did a Ferrari get in such a high-class lineup of vehicles to be parked outside a Las Vegas casino?

Wes Freeland: I know, right? I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say this plot had gone straight to Hell. Fortunately for them, it just contains an mystical escape route out of Hell, so I guess they are in the clear.

Jon Freeland: Oh, RIGHT! The Pearls of Persephone! You know, the funny thing is that they aren’t really useful for the return trip, you know? Grover pimped his way into a get-out-of-jail-free card from the dude whose tantrum made the movie possible, you know? In actuality, the pearls’ real power is to appear out of thin air in a story that didn’t originally contain them, so that the plot may be further screwed in the name of public service announcements about bad fathers.

Wes Freeland: Oh, and don’t forget the “power corrupts” message that goes along with that. Really, wonderful stuff. I get the feeling that if Mr. Big Bad Luke himself had been a daddy, he wouldn’t have pulled that crap off a whole lot better.

Jon Freeland: Never can get enough daddy issues, as my dad always used to say.

Jon Freeland: >.>

Jon Freeland: Wait, he’s not reading this, is he? I’M SORRY DADDY! WESLEY’S BEEN A BAD BOY!

Pajama Jeans: The Longest Thread

Wes and I went to see Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief in the theater today, and…well, this was the series of conversations that ensued.  ^^

Those are some...mighty fine pants you have there.

Those are some...mighty fine pants you have there.

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

Sketch #10: Pajama Jeans: The Longest Thread

Jon Freeland: So, I’ll be Boromir, and you be Poseidon.

Jon Freeland: “GIVE ME THE RING, DAMMIT!”

Jon Freeland: Wait, that’s not right. Oh well, it makes about as much sense as how PJ: TLT began…and yes, I shall be referring to it by the preceding acronym from now on.

Wes Freeland: Pajama Jeans: The Longest Thread is a heartwarming tale about one boy’s journey from boy to man with the help of his wise-cracking pants. On his way he meets three spirits who….wait, we’re talking about different movies aren’t we?

Jon Freeland: No, no, that’s fine. Yours obviously had more thought put into it.

Wes Freeland: No, no, really, let’s talk about this Percy Jackson thing. My psychiatrist said it might trigger another episode, but you only live one life, right?

Wes Freeland: So, let’s see….Drunk walks in…Boromir blows up a window…hmmm, this is shaping up to be an interesting movie. Thoughts?

Jon Freeland: Another episode? I don’t really know how that works, considering they used elements from the first and second books to make the first episode. Honestly, it’s like Eragon met Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, and the three of them just decided to go get high while listening to a constant stream of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Wes Freeland: Indeed. I’m sure in the writing process, several illegal substances, and at least 7 household cleaners were involved. On the bright side, at least the characters were well-developed and totally not one-dimensional, right?

Jon Freeland: Exactly, and that’s what really got me hooked on the movie, from the very beginning. There was the utter douchebag dad, the ever-enduring mother, the raging tomboy girlfriend, the pimpin best friend…and PJ couldn’t die. You would do whatever you want, too, if you were in his shoes.

Jon Freeland: You know, the ones with the wings?

Wes Freeland: Oh yeah, the Sketchers. Wait a second, I’m having flashbacks from before the movie…weren’t those supposed to not work except to drag him down to serve Kronos or some such?

Wes Freeland: Wait…Sketchers…WTH would Hermes wear Sketchers?!?! IT’S A LIE! THERE IS NO SPOOOOOOOON!!!!!

Jon Freeland: Nah, Hermes totally wore Converse in the original Greek mythology. Don’t believe me? Christopher Columbus said Homer told him so in a dream. Personally, I think he’s been watching too much Simpsons.

Sunshine and Super Bowl

Hey all, sorry it took me so long to put this up.  I was indisposed almost all of yesterday, then slept too long and had to work today.  However, I bring you two things which should definitely make up for my lackadaisicalness (“-ness” just doesn’t seem to fit on the end of that word…I think I may opt for “lackadaisicality” from now on, hehe).

Firstly, thank you SO much for my Sunshine Awards, Jingle, Artiste, and Isha.  I am a very new poet to your ranks, but you three have reached out to me anyway, the selfless implications of which are not lost on me at all.  Many thousand gratitudes to you three for making me feel so honored.

I wear it with pride and a smile :)

I wear it with pride and a smile 🙂

The Rules to Accept the Award were given to me as follows:

  • Put the logo on your blog in your post.
  • Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
  • Link the nominees within your post.
  • Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blogs.
  • Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I have done this, but I will also go a little farther in an effort to reward those who have awarded me.

In my appreciation of you three, I have composed my first Haiku ever especially for you.  I’ll give you a link on your pages, but I want it to be here, so that others may see what you inspire.  I hope it brings you as many smiles as you have brought me on these cold, dreary, wet days. 🙂

~

Sunshine provides the light by

which all burnt ground might

obtain renewed life within.

~

As for my end of the deal, here are those that I nominate in return.  I know it may seem like cheating to nominate the three who nominated me, but I consider them noteworthy without pause, as they are not only the dear recipients of, but the inspiration for, my lyrical gift.  Jingle, Isha, Michele, I love you all.

As for the other choices, I will choose those who have commented and built me up, in order to build them up.  I know many if not all of my picks will already have this award, but I hope it still means just as much coming from me.  Just as a side note, I don’t expect anyone to go through and find 12 more people…if you can, it’s good for you, but I just want you to know I’m thinking about how you’ve helped me. 🙂

I hope you all enjoy your sunshine!

Now, for the second bit, a humorous offering.  I’m not sure how many of you cared to see the Super Bowl, yesterday, but I was privy to it in the company of my family, and it was probably the best one I’ve seen in a few years.  It doesn’t hurt that my team won, mind you, but there were two main parts that my brother and I agreed we just HAD to blog about.

His post is at this link, and I give you my professional artistic rendition of the second play that made that game, where Manning threw the ball straight into Porter’s God-blessed waiting hands.  He promptly runs downfield to face a cadre of Colts waiting in ambush until he…:ahem:…INCINERATES THEM in a flash of divine energy and continues to stride, nonchalantly I might add, into the end zone.

I call it, "Lazerbeams."  Enjoy.

I call it, "Lazerbeams." Enjoy.

I hope you all have a wonderful week, and I’ll talk to you soon 🙂

The “Good” Doctor

Julia Robots II: Raiders of the Lost Gere

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

(Guest starring my lovely wife, Joanna, and my lovely TV, Steevee)

Sketch #9: Julia Robots II: Raiders of the Lost Gere

Steevee: One man…must now come to grips with the fact that he’s in another B-grade movie with another B-grade actress opposite him.  Richard Gere and Hilary Swank star in…AMELIA.

Jo: What is he, 60 years old now?  She’s like 30-something…that’s just not ok.

Jon: True…true, BUT…the important detail to note is that he seemingly HASN’T AGED in 20 years’ time.  Doesn’t that seem a little odd, to you?  A little…suspicious, maybe?

Jo: Well, he doesn’t look bad for his age…

Jon: Exactly!  And what do you suppose could cause this freak of nature to occur?  Let’s travel back 20 years, shall we, when a man…HAD HIS SOUL SUCKED OUT BY A REPTOID!  Pretty Woman was his downfall, I tell you…that was the first, and consequently the last, time he caught a glimpse of Julia Roberts’s inhuman mouth!  And everyone knows that you don’t age when you don’t have a soul; Twilight tells us this, praise be Stephanie Meyer’s name…:random chanting:

Jo: …I think you’ve finally lost it.

Jon: THINK about it for a second.  This is not just an outlying occurance…it happens all the time.  Take Harrison Ford, for example.  The man hasn’t changed since around the filming of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, right?  That was, in fact, produced in 1989, ONE YEAR before Pretty Woman.  Coincidence?  I think NOT…

Jo: But…their hair changed color.

Jon: …minor details.  It simply means that the arrogant Julia REPTOIDS underestimated how much soul they had…yes, they’re still sentient, but they’re shells of the men they once were.  SHELLS, I SAY!

Jo: I’m ignoring you, now.

Jon: :twisted mumbling, interspersed with a deranged cackle…or four:

This is the look of a man happy to be alive.

This is the look of a man happy to be alive.

The eyes...they're empty!

The eyes...they're empty!

Julia Robots

Just LOOK at that thing!

Yep, definitely reptoid.

This occured some time back, but I feel it’s necessary context in order to share the inside joke that happened today, so don’t shoot me for picking on something that was, literally, SOOOOOOoo last year.

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

(Guest starring my lovely wife, Joanna, and my lovely TV, Steevee)

Sketch #8: Julia Robots

Steevee: In a world where we are half-way through a commercial about the movie, Duplicity, and Julia Roberts is cackling in a GAPING fashion…

Jon: OH MY GOD!  Look at her mouth!

Joanna: What?

Jon: I mean, LOOK at that thing.  She’s dislocated her JAW!  I knew she had to be some sort of snake…

Joanna: lol, you dufus.  I think her mouth’s always been that big.

Jon: laugh at me if you will, but this is a serious matter at hand, here.  It could just be plastic surgery, but that just means that we created this…this…THING.

Joanna: I didn’t see it, but it can’t be all that bad.

Jon: …maybe it’s an android hybrid with reptilian DNA…

Joanna:  -.-

Jon: That’s IT!  Roberts…Robots…coincidence?  I think NOT.


Shyamalama-ding-dong

This is one that Wes previously posted on his site.  I had considered skipping it here, but I’m just putting it with the others here for continuity’s sake.

The last thing I need is someone thinking I can’t count when I skip from sketch 6 to sketch 8 ><

INSIDE JOKE by Jon and Wesley Freeland

Sketch #7: Shyamalama-ding-dong

Jon : M. Night Shyamalan is making the Avatar movie, hahahaha!

Wes : Yep. I will admit that I don’t know who that is, but I had heard that I was doing it.

Jon : You’d heard that you were doing it?

Jon : That’s rather presumptuous, don’t you think?

Wes : Whoops.

Jon : LOL

Wes : Sorry, I’m writing two different things at once. *He* was doing it, I menat.

Wes : meant! MEANT!

Jon: M. Night Shyamalan wrote and directed “The Village” and “The Happening.”

Jon : among others

Wes : Ah. He seems to have a thing for “The” movies.

Jon : “The Sixth Sense” is probably his best known film.

Wes : Ah, yes, I am sensing the trend.

Jon : The one with Bruce Willis and that autistic little brat

Jon : “I see dead people”

Jon : anywho, I found that very entertaining

Wes : Dad says “The kid wasn’t autistic, that was Mercury Rising.”

Jon : That kid was freaking autistic…he was SPEAKING to DEAD PEOPLE!

Wes : I don’t think that is the definition of autism, jon.

Jon : How many autistic people do you know?  Exactly.

Wes : Like, a ton. I know this one guy named Jon, for instance…

Jon : I hold that speaking to dead people is actually a very major part of the Autistic Brat’s Handbook (patent pending).

Jon : And while I may very well be speaking to a dead person now, that’s no excuse to refer to me as “a ton.”

Wes : Dad says he knows 5. So I think he wins.

Jon : They’re probably all dead people, which means you know 2.